It’s funny to think that a good night’s sleep can make a great deal of difference sometimes. Granted, my last entry was a little (okay … very) on the explosive side. But I’m over it. Now I’m just going to move on and study as much as I can for … the single most important exams that I’ll ever take in my life.
The affirmation of the day, ladies and gentlemen: BE POSITIVE!
With that said, you’ll all excuse me while I disappear for a few weeks. :)
I’m SICK of my daily inability to finish the things that I plan to do.
I hate doing the same subject every day, and getting absolutely nowhere because I suddenly find that there is so much more to things than I initially thought. I am sick of procrastinating, and forcing myself to catch up, yet never getting around to doing this “catching up” because life holds so many distractions that when I DO get around to forcing myself, things just come roaring at me all at once, and I lose concentration completely and utterly.
I am so annoyed that I thought I would be alright with Mathematics, and suddenly there are SO many questions I can’t do, or get wrong, and then the broader image finally sets in that I am NOT going to pass that exam. I’m sick of having to go over things and plan to do this on this day, then realising that another subject needs more attention, but then I spend too much time on that second subject, and everything that I thought was intact, has fallen apart in its entirety.
I HATE trying to balance my time between getting things FINISHED, and getting things finished DECENTLY, because neither is possible whilst the other is still in consideration. I hate the fact that my teachers are so incompetent that they offer little to no help in correcting me when I need the advice the most, because they’re busy on their holidays. They’re bloody teachers, for God’s sake. YES, they have lives, but my EE2 teacher checked her email every day during the EE2 course. Are other teachers not that multi-task-savvy?!
I hate the constant, pulsing, utterly fucking TERRIFYING thought that “OH SHITSTICKS, every other kid in the state who’s doing this course is more prepared than I am” because it’s probably true; it hit me today that this is it. This is THE BIG HSC. I was hyperventilating in Dymocks (bookstore) because I’m terrified that I won’t get the marks I need to get into Media & Communications, and that’s the only thing that interests me. I’m sick of the fact that because I took so much time off and the fact that life became so overwhelming that I couldn’t balance school with the other shit, I am so behind, and I am NOT ready for these final exams.
And you just sit there. With this ENORMOUS LOAD OF CRAP to do, and it’s SO easy just to sit there and do absolutely NOTHING about it. It’s SO EASY just to sit there, and stare at it, wishing it’d do itself. And it’s so easy to SIT THERE and panic, because there’s so much to do in so little time (SEVEN DAYS LEFT. CRAP.), that you don’t know where to begin with all of this, because if you begin in one area, the other areas get neglected, and if you try to attend to all areas at the same time, EVERYTHING gets to you and it become so much that you CAN’T DEAL WITH IT.
I’m having a panic attack. I’m full of regrets; not studying earlier, taking so much time off when I should’ve heeded my father’s advice and ignored the fact that he and so many of my family had to go to the hospital regularly, not applying myself throughout the year and ending up with the shittest fucking ranks possible, not getting off MySpace RIGHT NOW and trying not to cry and whine and whinge and YELL and scream and panic because there are only 168 hours left until the English exam (ish) and while it may sound like such a long long long time to study, I fear I won’t get things done on time.
I envy my friend Rachel, who’s coming what, 8th in Maths? Because she’s done so well. I envy my friend Roxy because she’s doing well in Business. I envy all the people in my Advanced English class because they’re ALL more prepared than me for the exams - LITERALLY. I envy all the people in Business Studies because THEY are more prepared, and I envy Miles and Suhas and all of them because they get/got such stellar results in Biology and even though I try to apply myself, I turned out absolutely shit.
I DO realise that there are more backdoors into university than I can count on two hands. I DO realise that the HSC isn’t the be all end all of things. And I DO realise that I can only do the best I can, and regret shit later. But I feel like the back doors won’t be enough. That the HSC and the UAI define who I am (not only to me, but to my family - and particularly to my father). And that even if I do the best that I can, it was, it is, and it will never be enough for me.
And all I can do is … try.
Okay. I’m done.
Note: Comments are disabled for this post - I just can’t be bothered trying to find out how to configure “No comments” to say “Comments off” and lose the permalink instead. I heart Wordpress support.